


Somatic

by ShiekahMeta



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Mute Taako, Sazed is a real dick in this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-18 10:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16993005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShiekahMeta/pseuds/ShiekahMeta
Summary: The moment Taako walked into the cylindrical building of Wonderland he felt something in his gut nag at him to leave. Something about this place wasn’t right. It felt eerie. Usually when you walk into a building there is some sort of sound or ambience, but there was only silence here. That wasn’t including the fact that both of their names were on the frame of the door before they walked inside.“Quite a place you picked out here, Sazed. You know, for a beam of destiny shining from your chest, this place sure isn’t what all those signs out there were makin’ it out to be.”AKA - The fic where Taako goes to Wonderland before the events of There Be Gerblins and loses some major shit.





	1. Shouldn't Be Here

The moment Taako walked into the cylindrical building of Wonderland he felt something in his gut nag at him to leave. Something about this place wasn’t right. It felt eerie. Usually when you walk into a building there is some sort of sound or ambience, but there was only silence here. That wasn’t including the fact that both of their names were on the frame of the door before they walked inside.  
  
“Quite a place you picked out here, Sazed. You know, for a beam of destiny shining from your chest, this place sure isn’t what all those signs out there were makin’ it out to be,” 

he said while he looked around unimpressed. There was absolutely nothing. Just black and darkness. Did they even come to the right place? It looked decent enough outside.

Sazed turns back to him with an annoyed expression. He looked like he was about to retort when suddenly bright lights flashed on and caused them to squint and blink rapidly. As Taako’s eyesight adjusted his opinion on the place took a complete 180. Music blared from some hidden speaker, the floors and walls danced with a loop of colors and right before them on a platform they failed to notice before were two of the most beautiful elves Taako has ever seen.

“Holy shit never mind, this place is popping!”

The elves posed and turned to look at the two in sync. Sazed nervously fidgeted with a stray thread on the sleeve of his tunic as they grinned. Taako missed the predatory glint of their smile as they began to strut across the runway, posing whenever the bass pumped. The lights flashed around them like cameras taking pictures when they stopped to pose. Soon enoughtheir voguing got them to the end of the platform and they bowed together. Taako couldn’t help but clap.

The both straightened up and met their eyes. They began to talk,

 

“How absolutely rude of us!”

 

“We’re so sorry to keep you waiting!”

 

“We had a little accident back stage, I hope you can forgive our tardiness.”

 

“We’re just so delighted that you made it here safely to Wonderland~!”

 

Taako shrugged, “No biggie my dudes- I just gotta say, this is the coolest fuckin’ set up I’ve ever seen.”

 

“It’s in a pretty shit place,” Sazed speaks up, arms crossed with a disinterested expression. Taako looked at him and scoffed like _he’d_ been the one insulted, but the two elves just smiled and laughed, the female elf spoke first

 

“Well I digress, the Wilds are a great way to test the fortitude of our players.”

 

“That’s right! Those who aren’t ready for the trials of Wonderland are turned away and we don’t have to waste our time with just _anyone_.”

 

“Yes! Only the best of the best are allowed to participate here. Taako you’re quite the accomplished chef and wizard, aren’t you? I’ve seen you on TV.”

 

“Well not to brag, but I am pretty amazing,” Taako gleamed while he closed his eyes and held a hand above his chest. Sazed glanced at him with thinly veiled dissatisfaction. The male elf above them noticed and smiled.

 

“But let’s get on track. You’re here for something you think you can find at Wonderland, correct?”

 

Sazed nodded and Taako shrugged again, “honestly I’m just here because I can’t have my helper walking off.”

 

The elves blinked, “You’re not here for anything?”

 

“Not really no.”

 

The elves looked at each other and seem to deliberate silently. Within a few moments they looked back at Taako,

 

“Well we can’t have that. Usually our participants have something they want. Tell us Taako, what’s something you’ve always wanted? I’m sure we’ll be able to provide it.”

 

Taako raised a brow skeptically, “Anything I want?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Aaaanyything~?”

 

“Annythiing~.”

 

“Annyy-“

 

“Taako just say what you want,” Sazed snaps impatiently. Taako squinted at Sazed who looked at him expectantly. Taako rolled his eyes and held his chin in thought. What would be something unobtainable? He wanted to test these guys. Three pairs of eyes watch him with varying levels with patience.

 

“We can’t dally all day-“

 

“Yeah yeah I know. You put me on the spot kemosabe, Taako needs to come up with something really good… how about… ah I got it!”

 

The two elves look at him with intrigue. Taako crosses his arms, “A Cape of the Mountebank.”

 

“Oh? Well that’s quite the rare item.”

 

“You said I could ask for anything.”

 

“Indeed we did!”

 

“What the hell is a Cape of Mountebank?” Sazed asked because Taako never _knew_ things. He always went with the flow and Sazed never heard of it before.

 

Taako tapped his chin, “its just a super powerful cape I read about in-between shows. You can teleport wherever you want I think. Plus it’d totally fit with the rest of my look.”

 

“You read that? Like- from one of the fantasy magazines?”

 

“Yeah, I don’t remember the name of the magazine but-“

 

The male elf clears his throat to cut Taako off and to gain back the attention, 

 

“Now that we know what Taako wants, Sazed, why don’t you tell us what you want? It’s only fair that you share with the rest of the class.”

 

Sazed suddenly pales and laughs nervously, “Uuh, I’d rather not.”

 

“Uuuh, bullshit dude. We’re here because of some weird beacon of light based on your desire or whatever. Tell me. I’m curious.”

 

Sweat begins to appear on human’s forehead. He stuttered, “uuh-uh well um, I thought- um I thought that I could get, um, an unlimited amount of spice?”

 

As he says that a small plume of black smoke drifts from his mouth and into the air. Both Taako and Sazed blink in confusion as it disappears. The two elves grinned, they knew it was a lie but they were going to allow it for now. Taako squinted at Sazed with some suspicion but he was cut off again before he could ask. Lydia spoke up,

 

“Now that we have that out of the way, we can finally start the game!”

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

Taako realized it a bit late for his own comfort, but the two elves who introduced themselves as Edward and Lydia didn’t have shadows. In fact, now that he noticed that oddity he realized that their forms were a bit too perfect, like they were projections. Taako connected the dots with a blink. They were illusions.

 

“This is the Wheel of Sacrifice. You spin it, and you give up whatever it lands on. You are, of course, free to refuse if you land on something you value too much to lose, but there will be a penalty for your reluctance.”

 

“Jeez, why is there a skull?” Sazed muttered. Taako felt his gut nagging at him again but he ignored it. 

 

“After completing enough sacrifices, the door will open,” Lydia continued after Edward and gestured toward the door. Taako noticed above the doorframe that there were two red lights. The two hosts now looked at them, waiting for one of them to be the first to spin the wheel, but before that Taako speaks up,

 

“So uh, I have a question.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“So like, when we go up there and spin the thingy, do we both lose something or…?”

 

“Each of you will take one turn at a time. And you spin the wheel and whoever spun the wheel is the one who will have to do the sacrificing. ”

 

“Ok cool,” he said and then stood there. Sazed then realized that Taako wasn’t going to do anything else. He sighed and uncrossed his arms,

 

“I guess I’ll go first.”

 

Sazed walked up to the towering wheel and held the edge before giving it a good spin. He felt that a wheel of that size shouldn’t have felt so light. Brilliant spotlights shine around the room as the wheel spins in front of them. Sazed nervously fidgets with the frayed end of his shirt again as it gradually slowed down.

 

Within a moment the wheel comes to a stop and lands directly on the skull.

 

“Fuck.”

 

“Oh no that’s quite _unfortunate_ for your first roll,” Lydia’s voice flits out from some hidden speaker in the room, “Skull is, well it’s not a nice one I’ll tell you that. None of them are nice but this one is some delayed gratification for us. Nothing is going to happen now, but sometime in the future something unlucky will happen to you.”

 

“Great,” Sazed said with a sarcastic tone. Another plume of smoke immediately floated out of his mouth at that.

 

“I know right? It’s one of my favorites~” Edward’s voice singsonged over them. Sazed turns his back to the wheel and walked away. Taako clicks his cheek and pushed his arms out in front of him to crack his knuckles. He took his place in front of the wheel and grabbed one of the pegs,

 

“Aight what’cha got for me.”

 

Tense moments passed as the wheel whirls in front of them. It would’ve been a tense silence if it wasn’t for the catchy music playing around them. The wheel stops spinning and lands on brain.

 

“Now for this one Taako, you have to sacrifice some brainy things. Some memories or skills you have!”

 

“Oh that’s peachy,” he said, not liking this already and just like Sazed sees a plume of smoke come out of his mouth. He grimaces as Edward begins to speak,

 

“Now lets see… You have quite the skills as a chef Taako. You have quite the presence on TV and quite the cult following. How about, hmm, how about you sacrifice your ability to perform in front of a crowd? That’s a good thing to sacrifice. You could actually play it off as stage fright because that’s what it would be.”

Sazed doesn’t see the pursed lips that Taako has. Sazed actually perked up once Edward started speaking. If Taako takes this then maybe he’d be able to take over the show! Maybe he wouldn’t have to follow with this plan, maybe instead of winning the poison Taako would just step down! This could make everything-

 

“Pass.”

 

“What?” Sazed sputtered. Taako sent a wary glance over his shoulder, the situation Sazed wanted to capitalize on didn’t evade him. He wasn’t blind to how Sazed had gotten more detached after that one particular conversation. He wasn’t gonna let Sizzle It Up with Taako become Sizzle it up with Sazed and Taako company, it was the only thing he had.

 

“Pass? Are you sure? If you pass then you have to take a penalty.”

 

“That’s cool. I’ll take it. Taako needs his stage presence.”

 

“Alright then,” Lydia said before Sazed had a chance to protest and a third light blinks on above the door. There were now two red lights and a green light.

 

“Taako!” Sazed exclaimed.

 

“Chill chill, I’ll take both. Don’t worry your pretty face,” Taako spun the wheel again and Sazed glowered behind him.

 

 

* * *

 

YOU CHOSE:

TRUST

 

THEY CHOSE:

TRUST

 

Sazed let out a relieved breath and turned back to Taako who was secretly sweating his balls off. They weren’t that strong and it was blatantly obvious. Taako realized pretty quickly that the two elven hosts were extremely powerful casters. Ordinary people can’t just whisk away a pinkie like it’s nothing or take away the point of his elven ears to make them look human. He had seen the monsters walking around out in the Wilds and the both of them had been very lucky with sneaking around. He deduced that the power level of these games were going to be painfully hard. He pressured Sazed to press forsake, but the idiot went ahead and pressed trust instead. 

He just felt very lucky that whoever was on the other size was as naive as Sazed.

Lydia and Edward spoke out their displeasure but continued with the game anyway.

 

.

.

.

 

Taako was right. Even without Sazed’s bad luck they would’ve gotten their asses beat anyway. God they should’ve brought along a cleric or a paladin before this. Taako holds his chest gingerly as he sits up, the corpse of the lengthening, electrified python laid out slain before him. The damn thing had him in a painful grip for a good few moments before Sazed whacked the thing over the head with his sword. He definitely had a few broken ribs and then some.

Sazed held out his hand and helps him to his feet. Taako winced out a thanks and leaned against him as they walked out the door. He felt like he was almost dead already and he only had so many spell slots. Sazed wasn’t that experienced of a fighter either.

There was no way they were going to make it out alive. Taako grimaces. Sazed tries his best to be positive, saying that the next few challenges shouldn’t be as hard.

 

“Well that was more eventful than I could’ve imagined. Sazed, that trip you took didn’t look good at all,” Lydia said as she materialized out of thin air in front of them. Sazed glared at her, holding Taako up with one arm and covering his nose with the other. His nose took the brunt of the fall and was now twisted to the side painfully, “but you’re still standing and that’s all that matters.”

 

Edward formed next to her and gestured to the wall, “Now lets see how your opponents did~. Since you two got lucky wouldn’t it be nice to see who helped you out? Maybe next time they might not be so kind.”

As he spoke the wall transformed into a massive screen that blipped to life. As Sazed and Taako glanced up they saw two figures. One was a human woman with white hair and dark skin holding a pale staff at her side. Next to her was another human, rugged and not looking good in the sacrifice department. The guy was missing a whole arm. Taako waved lazily, but stopped, wondering if that was offensive or not.

However when Taako looked back over to the other human to see what she might’ve lost, the woman looked like she had seen a ghost. She stared at Taako with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Taako blinked. What’s her deal? He saw her whisper something and Taako could recognize his name on other people’s lips any day. Oh no, was she a fan? Well it’s kind of shitty that she saw him in a state like this, looking like a _human_ with some electric scorch marks all over his body. He bet his make-up was all shagged up too. Taako was much better at first impressions. Maybe she was just worried.

 

Yeah that was probably it.

 

Taako gave her a thumbs up and Sazed follows suit. It’s a good thing to reassure a fan. That seemed to break her out of her stupor, but she still looked greatly disturbed. The man beside her turns to ask a question but it didn’t look like she heard him.

 

The screen blips off and they’re both ushered into the next room where they come face to face with the Wheel of Sacrifice once more. Taako grimaced and pushed away from Sazed.

 

“Let’s get this over with.”

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

This was the worst place ever Taako concluded. He couldn’t stop running his fingers over the alien curve of his ears. It felt so wrong. It was so wrong that he felt it down to his core. He hated them. He couldn’t wait until he got his spell slots back so he could cast minor illusion over himself. He lost his other pinkie, so at least his hands were symmetrical now. 

Sazed was looking a good few years older and looked like he was regretting this whole thing. He would too if he was just looking for an unlimited amount of spices. It was kind of lame. This place could have a monkey paw’s conditions for all they knew. If they got out of this then, yeah,Sazed would have an unlimited amount of spice, but it could all be basil or salt!

 

They were now back in front of Trust and Forsake. This time it was Taako’s turn. 

 

He wasted no time and strutted up to the pedestal and slammed down forsake.

 

Sazed didn’t agree with that as their choice blipped up on the screen.

 

“Taako!”

 

“What? My turn my choice.”

 

“Yeah but-last time it worked out right? We should’ve done trust again. What if they picked trust?”

 

“Well then we should be glad we’re not them,” he crossed his arms and raised a brow at Sazed. Sazed’s hands fist at his sides and he glanced up at the screen. Taako followed his gaze and watched.

 

YOU CHOSE:

FORSAKE

 

THEY CHOSE: 

FORSAKE

 

Taako sent a shit eating grin at Sazed who looked defeated at the screen. Lydia and Edward piped back on overhead and went on about how this was their second favorite outcome. Taako smiles nervously, the small victory overshadowed by the fact that they were way in over their heads. The wizard hesitated and Sazed was the first one to enter into the new room.

 

* * *

 

 

He was going to die here.

 Taako wanted out.

 

* * *

 

 

They barely made it through their last challenge and both of them had definitely seen better days. Taako was one hundred percent sure that the next thing that even looked at him funny was going to kill him. Sazed wasn’t much better either. His nose had turned all sorts of purple and blue now. His eye was slashed through and now he was the one leaning against Taako.

 

“Oh dear, perhaps that last challenge was a bit difficult for you.”

 

“Ya think?” Sazed snarked immediately followed by smoke coming out of his mouth.

 

“Don’t get snappy with us, darling~. You knew what you were getting in here the moment you stepped inside,” Edward said as they materialized in the room. They took a moment to take in the sight of the small party. Edward’s fingers formed a small teepee and then laced together. He looked over the Lydia who looked back at him. They held their hands up and started conversing together in whispers.

 

Taako and Sazed raised a brow at each other before the elves turned back to them.

 

“Now we’re not blind.”

 

“We can see that you two are hanging on by a thread. We know for a fact you wont survive the next challenge. As hosts it would be poor etiquette to let you continue on like that while knowing this.”

 

Taako swallowed uneasily. Where was this going?

 

“That’s why we’re going to allow you a chance to recover. Recover some health and spell slots that is.”

 

Both of them perked up at that. Any sort of break would be a godsend at this point, but Taako hesitated again and Sazed didn’t want to speak anytime soon.

 

“Well groovy, but there’s got to be a catch,” Taako said, idly tracing one of his ears again, “you aren’t just going to give us health out of nowhere because you want to.”

 

“Of course~.”

 

“You see, here in Wonderland we looooove some good gossip and drama. I’m sure you love a good juicy story now and again Taako.”

 

“I can’t deny that.”

 

“So we’ve spun up a quick game. Each secret you tell you will recover some health and spells!”

 

“The bigger the secret the more you recover!”

 

Both Taako and Sazed shifted uncomfortably. Taako didn’t like anyone having dirt on him or anyone prying into his life. Secrets were secrets for a reason. Sazed on the other hand was hoping he could get through this without speaking about the real reason why he was here. This small “game” had to be specifically tailored for him. 

 

“Who wants to go first?” Lydia asked as she clasped her hands in front of her eagerly. Taako and Sazed glanced at each other and Sazed sighs.

 

“Hey Taako?”

 

“Yep my right hand man?”

 

“So you know how… I said a raccoon got into the pantry when you were gone um, gone getting more supplies and shit?”

 

“Yeap,” Taako popped the p.

 

“Well, it wasn’t a raccoon. I bought some fantasy weed off of a gnome a few hours earlier and got uh- I got the munchies.”

 

“Mmmm.”

 

“And all the cupcakes, macaroons and stuff were right there.”

 

“I see where this is going.”

 

“And I ate everything.”

 

“Mother fucker I spent a whole day trying to perfect that creme brûlée.”

 

“It was pretty tasty.”

 

“Sazed, honey, Sazed no.”

 

“What?”

 

“I spent a _whole day._ I’m getting flashbacks of all the effort I put into that magnificent custard desert only for it to be lumped together with macaroons and cookies from someone who had the munchies. I’m grieving here man.”

 

“Thats why I kept it a secret, man!”

 

“Fuck. Yeah… What does he get for that?” Taako brushes some hair away from his face and tucks it behind one of his ears. It falls back almost immediately and Taako stiffens.

 

“Well I guess that was an _okay_ secret. There was no harm keeping it a secret or not. Sazed you get some back for that, but not much. Lets get some real friendship breakers in here.”

 

Sazed feels some of his wounds stitch together, but the worst ones remained. Still, it was enough for him to support his own self for a while. Taako felt the weight of Sazed ease up and saw the man’s scratches fuse closed. Taako turned back to the two hosts and gnawed on his lip. 

Man if they had a Zone of Truth then they could fly past this bullshit within seconds.

The worse the secret the better the rewards huh?

Okay.

 

“We’re not actually short on money.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, we’re actually not on our last legs when going from show to show. I only tell you that so you accept a smaller pay check.”

 

“Are you fucking serious?” Sazed looked baffled and betrayed at Taako. Taako just shrugged. Edward chortles in front of them.

 

“Oh Taako! I never would’ve pegged you for the type to participate in embezzlement. That’s a pretty gnarly secret right there!”

 

Taako felt the pressure and constant ache on his lungs suddenly ease up and he gasped in slight shock as he realized he could finally breathe. Not only that but he felt some of his magic flow back into his finger tips. He didn’t know how much, but he felt that he had a few spell slots replenished. Nice.

He turned back to Sazed and held his arms out in a ‘what can you do’ gesture, “Business is business honey. You’re the one who didn’t question it.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Yeah that’s fair.”

 

Sazed gritted his teeth and tried to think of something worse than the secret he was currently harboring. He was sure it would heal him drastically, but if he said it then Taako would no doubt turn against him and this whole thing would’ve been a huge waste of time.

 

Taako was looking at him expectantly. So were Lydia and Edward. Fuck okay, he could dish out some pain too.

 

“You’re never actually short on merch stock, Taako. I’ve been throwing out a half of everything we get.”

 

“What the fuck Sazed?!” Taako exclaimed, he turned fully to face him and actually looked thrown off, “Why?!”

 

“Because you said you wouldn’t let me work alongside you with the show because of the whole merch thing! I got angry and frankly I think you deserve it,” Sazed fires back and found himself delighting in the tornado of emotions twisting on Taako’s face. He felt even more of his wounds close up and he was beginning to feel as good as new. Taako glared at him, his trust in Sazed falling second by second.

 

“I deserved it? You’re the one trying to tramp all over the name I’ve set up for myself!”

 

“I’ve helped you enough! Even more! If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have gotten so many-“

 

“Helped my ass, you can barely tell the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon.”

 

“Yes I can,” Sazed shot back defensively, “you’re the one who never arranges anything the way it’s supposed to be.”

 

“The way it’s supposed to- oh my Pan, Sazed. Any chef worth their fucking salt keeps the fucking cooked chicken away from the raw chicken. If you ran a restaurant the whole world would know how shit you are within a month- no a week, because of how fucking badly you run a kitchen.”

 

“I would do better if you gave me a chance!”

 

“I fucking did! And I saw what I had to see. Sazed, the real reason I won’t let you step on the stool with me is because you’re a fucking lousy chef. You would pour salt instead of sugar into a batch of cinnamon rolls and say it tastes delicious,” while Taako said this he felt pretty great. All of the pain in his abdomen was gone and then some. He also felt that almost all of his spell slots were back. 

Well he was pretty much done here. There were some things he and Sazed had to talk about after this whole bullshit, but eventually they should be able to look back at this and laugh. Probably. He was still pretty pissed about the whole merch thing. 

 

“I came here to get the most potent poison in the world to kill you at our next show because of how much you refuse to give me what I deserve!” Sazed exploded, red in the face and huffing.

 

Taako felt the next words he had prepared to fire die on his tongue. Lydia and Edward whooped behind him.

 

“What?” He asked in disbelief.

 

Sazed paled.

 

“T-thats not what I meant,” Sazed said, but as he did the horrific slash over his eye stitched back together and healed. Taako watched his eye reform complete and whole with disgust.

 

“You were going to poison me?”

 

“No! Not- I mean- fuck,” Sazed was at a loss for what to say. 

 

He couldn’t say anything.

Taako’s body posture was completely closed off to him now. Taako was great at hiding what he was really feeling, but right now he was like an open book. Sazed could see in real time how badly he fucked up.

 

“What were you going to do then?” Taako’s tone was accusatory. Cold and laced with venom.

 

“Um… I was… we have a rat problem?”

 

“Oh, I fucking bet. What a great reason to come _here,_ of all places, for rat poison.”

 

Sazed swallowed nervously.

 

“No wait! I think you were in the right mindset! I do have a rat problem and it’s standing here right in front of me.”

 

The two elves hooted loudly behind them and Taako realized in that moment that he was 100% done with all this shit. They fucking knew about it. They knew that Sazed wanted to kill him from the beginning. They pulled Sazed in and let him tag along because of all the fucking suffering they knew it was going to cause. This place was a nightmare. Those two casters were literal fucking leeches. 

 

Fuck Lydia.

 

Fuck Edward.

 

Fuck this place

 

Fuck the Cape of Mountebank.

 

And last of all.

 

Fuck Sazed with a cactus.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

They faced the Wheel of Suffering once again. There was a tense and uncomfortable silence between them now. Every piece was laid out on the table and they were worse off than when they started. Taako’s mind was whirling with what Sazed would’ve done if he actually got his way with this. How would he execute his plan?

Would he arrange a toast to success and poison the cup he was going to drink out of?

Was he going to poison his breakfast one morning and fail to help him?

Was he… was he going to poison him during one of the shows? He always tasted his food before hand so he could check the flavor before he handed everything out. He always did that.

He was so lost in his thoughts he completely missed the sacrifice that Sazed had to give. He came back to earth when he noticed Sazed walking back towards him and a coil of rage and distrust tightened in his gut as he got closer. He glanced up at the wheel and saw that it landed on backpack, whatever the fuck that meant. 

Taako shoved past Sazed and spun the wheel without looking. He didn’t look up when it landed. His mind was lost in a torrent of emotions and shock.

He could’ve died.

And if he didn’t, then the next place they went to would’ve died. Where were they going again?

Glamour Springs?

Edward says something above him and he rolls his eyes and agrees to whatever the sacrifice is. He doesn’t care anymore. He wants to get this shit done and over with.

Sazed fucking sucks. 

Taako finally turned his attention back to the wheel and saw that it landed on Body. What was body again? Health? Jeez maybe he should’ve re-spun. He was a wizard and wizards weren’t that well known for their plethoras of health. He could deal. It wasn’t as bad as the loss of his elven ears.

As he turned away from the wheel he noticed Sazed looked shocked. Taako raised a brow, what the fuck was wrong with the dude now? Did he suddenly come to a conclusion that he was a worthless piece of shit and needs some hardcore therapy? Taako opened his mouth to say something, he had a whole bunch of scathing quips he needed to unload on this guy.

 

“h…ph…”

 

Taako felt his stomach plummet. His mouth was agape. He tried again but only a wheeze of air escaped. The words were on his tongue but the vibration in his throat that was constant when he spoke was non existent. Taako tried harder but the only thing he produced were the sounds of a dying fish.

Sazed’s shocked expression suddenly lit up and Taako realized something at the same time. 

 

He… he couldn’t speak.

 

He just sacrificed his voice.

 

He couldn’t continue to do Sizzle It Up without his voice.

 

The world shook around Taako and the blaring music of Wonderland faded out around him.

 

He held his throat. Trying to will something to happen. Trying to make something recognizable to come out. He felt like he was going to throw up.

 

He collapsed to his knees.

 

With his voice gone he couldn’t do his show anymore. Even if he did, Sazed wouldn’t be there and he wouldn’t have it in him to trust another person ever again with his show.

 

_His show._

 

It was the only thing he had. It was the only thing to his name. Without that he was just a wizard without anything.

A hand came out of nowhere and patted his shoulder. Taako reacted and hit the hand away to see Sazed with a smug and condescending look on his face

 

“Someone finally found a way to shut you up.”

 

Taako never wanted to punch anyone harder in his life right now, but before he could get the chance to the target of his rage walked away and into the next room. Taako watched him go with absolute vehemence in his eyes. 

He got up, but his mind was a painful typhoon of thoughts that wouldn’t calm down.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

As his thoughts continued to spiral he suddenly realized something worse than anything else.

He reached for his wand. 

Sazed was up at the Forsake and Trust panel. He was distracted from what Taako was about to do.

 

Taako casted Magic Missile.

 

But as he formed the shape of words with his mouth, nothing came out. Nothing came out of his mouth or his wand.

Taako felt like a bucket of ice was just dropped on him and a horrible feeling of helplessness wracked his mind. What good was a wizard who couldn’t speak? What good was a wizard who couldn’t fucking cast spells!?

His hand dropped back to his side just before Sazed turned around. Taako couldn’t even feel his disappointment when he saw the words Trust on the screen. Fucking Sazed.

He glowered as Sazed walked back down to him looking like the smuggest cat in the world. Taako crossed his arms and did his best to hide the sudden case of shakes he just got. He couldn’t look at Sazed anymore and instead focused on the screen.

 

YOU CHOSE:

TRUST

 

THEY CHOSE:

FORSAKE

 

Taako was more disappointed in the fact that he couldn’t say “I told you so” than the fact that they both were about to get their asses destroyed.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

They were back in the same state that they were before they traded secrets. Hanging onto life by a spare thread, though this time Taako had plenty of spell slots. He had no idea how he got through that place.

At least he was able to duck behind Sazed and have him take a nasty blow.

That almost made up for the fact that Sazed planned to kill him. Almost.

As they walked into yet another cylindrical room Taako noticed something drastically different. There were rows and rows of mannequins all clapping and cheering. The sound of an excited audience filled the room as lights danced around and spotlights spun left and right. In front of them in the center of the room was a catwalk with lights blinking on and off.

 

“Now look at you guys! You’ve made it!”

 

Taako couldn’t hold it back anymore. He flipped them off. A finger for each elf. They saw this and just laughed. The audience had a mix of laughs and boos. Taako just turned and flipped them off as well.

 

“Now calm down, calm down. When she said you made it, you actually made it!”

 

Taako and Sazed looked at the two of them suspiciously. This had to be another trick.

 

“That’s right darlings. When you walked into Wonderland you came here for a reason. We tested you on whether you deserve the item or not!”

 

“Both Lydia and I came to an agreement that you’ve gone through enough sacrifices and trials to receive your rewards! You should feel proud, not many people get to see such a rare occasion as this.”

 

“I’m not going to lie, I thought you two were going to die within the first challenge, but you proved me wrong. We’re both impressed.”

 

Taako should’ve felt something at this; some sort of anger, some sort of joy, some sort of achievement. He only felt tired and empty. Sazed was going to make it out of here and take over the show. He couldn’t even overpower Sazed even if he wanted to. Sazed knew that he couldn’t cast spells that required a vocal component and almost every single wizard spell Taako knew required his voice to be used. 

As they both walked up to the catwalk and across Taako saw two pedestals rise from the floor. On one was an innocent looking bottle. On the other was a magnificent cape. Taako’s mouth felt sour. He didn’t even want the fucking cape now.

 

“For Sazed, here’s your reward! A bottle of the deadliest poison in the world! So bad that even a drop on your skin signals a quick and painful death. Use it carefully~,” Lydia said in a sing song tone. Taako felt sicker than ever as Sazed picked it up awkwardly and tried not to look back at him.

 

“And for you Taako, the Cape of Mountebank! I must say, this is a great choice. With this bad boy you can teleport to almost anywhere you want as long as you can see it! But I’m not sure if it has a word needed to activate it, but I’m sure you can deal.” 

 

Taako wanted to punch someone and he wanted to punch them hard. 

He picked up the cape and watched as it unfurled in front of him. It was… it was pretty beautiful. It was a bright crimson robe with gold trim all along the sides, just what it looked like in the magazine he read. Taako held it up and tossed it over his shoulders. It fit him perfectly. 

It fit him perfectly physically, but Taako felt the strangest sensation that it went deeper than that. Something inside him was trying to tell him that this felt _right_ because it was _right._ It had a good weight on his shoulders like it meant to be there. Taako felt a little emboldened again. He had something back at least. He had a little bit of identity again and he was never going to give it up.

A door opened up in front of them from the ground up and Taako saw the outside. He saw trees and the sun and a few other groups of sorry adventurers who were about to experience the worst time of their life.

 

“Thank you for coming to Wonderland! I hope you had a _wonderful_ time~.”

 

“Come back again sometime soon!”

 

* * *

 

Sazed was the first one out followed by Taako. The human didn’t even look back as he trudged into the forest and out of sight. Honestly? Taako didn’t care. He hoped Sazed got mauled by a manticore or tripped on a rock and broke the bottle of poison all over him. Taako felt his shoes sink into grass and as he turned he saw the door behind him close and meld back into the brilliant black and white lights of Wonderland like there was nothing there in the first place. 

Taako felt hollow.

Something broke inside of him. His throat felt tight and pressure was building up behind his eyes. He lost… so much. Taako raises a hand to his mouth and catches a broken sob. He lost his home. He lost his show. The show wasn’t important to him because it was a place for him to show off, the show was important to him because it was the only thing he knew. He couldn’t remember anything of worth before the first day of Sizzle It Up. He made that name for himself. He started from nothing and now he’s back to nothing. 

Taako sinks to his knees and finally lets out the scream he’s held back ever since he walked into that damned place. A horrid sounding grind came from his mouth instead. It sounded like a cat was having trouble breathing and that only made things worse. Taako breathed in and tried again, he wanted to scream, he wanted to screech out all the shit and pain he just went through but it was like he was the p in pterodactyl. His cheeks felt wet. A few stray eyes from the adventurers around him fall on him and then uneasily glance to their friends.

Taako wipes his eyes but he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Everything he had was tugged out from beneath him by a person he trusted.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he remembered where he was again. Taako shook. He couldn’t look up. He was sure someone was looking at him with pity. The owner of the hand came down to their knees and Taako grit his teeth. He wanted them to stop. He didn’t need this. His skin crawled and prickled but he couldn’t find anything in him to push them away.

He saw a pale staff fall on the ground in front of him and then another hand was placed on his back. Against his greater judgement, Taako looked up.

It was the human woman from before. She was saying something, probably something to comfort him but he couldn’t focus on the words. He was more shocked at the state of her face. She looked younger on the screen before and now she looked so much older. Taako realized she had to sacrifice some of her life to progress. He didn’t know how human years worked. How much did she give?

Taako looked around and saw that more and more people were walking over. Oh no, that wouldn’t do. That wouldn’t do at all. He didn’t need to be coddled. He was Taako and Taako needed to get the fuck out of here. He needed to get the fuck away from whatever was about to happen and to get the fuck away from Wonderland.

 

_He needs to get away._

 

Before anyone could react the gold trim on his cloak gleams with magic and with a puff of smoke Taako suddenly disappears. He doesn’t hear the yell that the woman makes when he leaves or the grief stricken expression on her face. He doesn’t see how she hopelessly looks at the smoke gradually drifting away from where he once was.

Five hundred feet away the said frazzled wizard appears in a different puff of smoke in a completely new place. Taako can’t help but laugh giddily. The cape didn’t have an activation word. It just works when he wants it to!

At least one thing is working for him right now.

Taako’s momentary moment of success fades away and he realizes he’s still in the forest and probably surrounded with the same monsters and beasts as before. He walks over to one of the trees and leans against it, taking a moment to breathe. He sinks down to his butt and stares up at the patches of sky shining through the canopy above him. 

There were so many thoughts whirling in his mind. Too many things to grasp onto and try to make sense of, but there were two thoughts that rose above the others.

What does he do now? He’s never felt this lost before.


	2. Damage Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako does some mental thought stuff and meets a new friend.

Taako cracks open his eyes and flinches as a sharp ray of sun shines directly into his face. He holds up his hand to block the offending beams and at the same time notices the amount of digits on his hand. He has four fingers. He inhales sharply and slowly turns his hand around. The place where his pinkie should’ve been was a smooth plane with an extra knuckle.

So that wasn’t a shitty dream. Taako closes his eyes and lets his hand fall to the ground.

And jumps at the startled squeak that comes from where it fell. Taako scrambles to the side and away from the noise before even seeing the source. When he gets to his feet he glances around sharply until he sees a thin body crawl out of the underbrush near the tree he was leaning against. It scrutinizes him with small black eyes and its small pink nose twitches as it smells the air. Taako snorts out his nose and relaxes. It’s just a damn mongoose.

“Wh- … _dghh_ ht?” Taako says, or tries to. He scowls and reaches up to massage his throat. He had a small habit of talking to things or animals when he thought no one was looking. It was a dumb thing, but he remembered doing this ever since he was a kid. No one ever responded but he made quips anyway. _Someone used to be there-_ he begins to think, but that thought slips away and he loses it in an instant. Speaking out loud was something he did all the time and this new situation was going to take some getting used to.

Taako sighs, at least he could do that and have it sound the same. He rubs his eyes and flicks out the little sleep sand thingies that roll on his fingers. His cheeks feel crusty like they do after you’ve had a good cry.

The mongoose is still staring up at him and Taako thinks it’s laughing at him with those dangerous little eyes. Taako raises a brow,

_What are you doing here lil’ fella?_ He thinks. 

Didn’t mongooses- mongeese(?) live in desert places? Why was it sitting next to him anyway? As he stands there the little creature cautiously begins to make it’s way forward again and Taako stands very still. Sure the little thing was extremely cute and noodle-y, but these little guys were fucking badasses in Taako’s book. This little thing could slash his eyes up and he would say thank you for the face lift.

It gets to his foot and then stops with its little nose twitching rabidly up at him and its head swaying back and forth like it was searching for something. He blinks. It blinks. Taako uncrosses his arms and the mongoose flinches back just an inch before leaning back. Taako realizes its sniffing at his pouch on his hip.

Taako carefully reaches into his pouch and fits his fingers around something. As he pulls it out the mongoose stands on its hind legs and Taako thinks he hears a squeak. He looks down at his palm and sees a portion of one of his rations. It was a decent sized piece of jerky that he made himself. Ah, the little guy was hungry. Taako grins down at the mongoose who is now hyper focused on the morsel in his hand.

He moves down to crouch and makes it very obvious so that the brown animal doesn’t scurry off. Taako barely holds the jerky out for one second before its snagged away. The mongoose doesn’t even take a glance back as it scurries off into the underbrush.

“Ddh,” _Rude,_ he thinks.

Taako watches the place where it left and berates himself for hoping that it would come back. He feels his mood slowly become sour. He flops back down under the tree and lets out an even bigger sigh. Where does he even start?

_Damage control._

That seems like a good place to begin. Find out just how fucked he is. Taako thinks about reaching for a paper and pencil but it’s too much effort.

Taako starts with the obvious things. He only has four fingers on each hand, which isn’t that bad, he looks like a human now because his elven ears were taken away, which made him a little uncomfortable, and last but not least he had no voice. 

The voice part was especially shitty. Like what just happened before, he talks to things when no ones looking. His voice was heavily attached to his personalty and he couldn’t run Sizzle It Up with just looks and pizazz. The jokes and gaffs were a huge part of the show! Taako grimaces. Talking in general was also nice. He had no idea how people interaction was going to go now. The worst thing however about the lack of his voice was…

 

He has no magic.

 

Taako closes his eyes and shakily breathes in. His chest feels tight. That isn’t true, he has _some_ magic, he can still transmute (maybe) and he can still cast spells that don’t require a vocal component. Taako sits there for a moment and then laughs, that’s practically nothing! Almost every spell in the book requires its name to be activated! Why wasn’t he paying attention when he landed on the space where he sacrificed his voice? If he listened to Edward he would’ve said no and forced Sazed to take the other two sacrifices.

He’s pretty much the opposite of a dope ass wizard.

 

_I’m a pretty worthless wizard._

 

Taako runs his hands across his face and through his hair, uncomfortably pulling on a few knots. _By the gods I need a good siesta._

He needs to get these bad thoughts out of his head before they start to fester he decides. Taako couldn’t do that. His survival instincts which he relied on when he was a kid were beginning to kick in and the biggest thing that he learned when he was on his own was that once you got the thought that ‘everything is over then everything _will_ be over.’

Now he needed to think about the second part of damage control. He needs to get down what he still has.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

What _does_ he have?

 

Taako’s hands begin to curl as a horrific emotion begins to take him, but then stops. His fingers aren’t touching the mossy ground around him, they were curled around a soft and rich material. Taako can’t believe he completely overlooked the Cape of Mountebank. A small smile reaches his face again. So yeah, he got fucked over and he got fucked over hard, the cape didn’t even come close to making up for the lack of his voice, but it was still a rad as fuck item. Being able to “peace out” of any conversation _ever_ is a gift.

Second, the cape is gorgeous now that Taako has some time to appreciate it. He sits up and takes it off his back to look at it. He runs his fingers over the embroidered golden fabric. He would have to find some appropriate clothes to fit with this thing. He’s wearing some pretty clashing trash with this thing though. The dull purple with the bold crimson red cape- _this is right-_ and gold trim just doesn’t fit. He needs something simple yet complimentary.

He’s a pretty worthless wizard alright, but now he’s pretty _and_ a worthless wizard.

The cape was made of something sturdy as well as Taako kept prodding and twisting it around. The material was soft and had a healthy amount of give when pulled. Taako concluded his investigation of the cape with a, _Nice._

Now what did he have that wasn’t on his person?

He still has his name and his fame. He could go around under a minor illusion where he still had his ears and someone would recognize him. He’d ask if he could crash for a few days and someone would probably fall to their knees to have _the_ Taako from TV in their house. He might be able to live like that, jumping from house to house for as long as he can until people start getting tired of him.

Damn he was really back to square one. 

_This sucks._

At least he still has all that money he was keeping away from Sazed tucked safely in-

Taako feels something vile lash out in his chest and he remembers the whole reason he’s like this. It’s _his_ fault Taako lost his voice. It’s _his_ fault he’s now in the middle of nowhere with no magic. Sazed wanted to fucking _kill him_. Who does that? Who thinks it’s okay to kill someone for not sharing the spotlight- the spotlight Taako made for himself out of nothing? Fuck Sazed for wanting to take his fame, his one way ticket out of living on the streets with no safety net to fall back on.

Does he even know how much that cart cost him? (Taako didn’t remember but he bet it was a mini-fortune.)

He’s probably in the cart right now and running a sorry excuse of a show. Oh he hopes the people in Glamour Springs are hella confused and angry that Taako isn’t there. He hopes Sazed chokes and dies on a piece of garlic chicken he doesn’t know how to make.

Taako yells to the sky, totally ignoring the screeching sound his throat adds. 

_This is fuckin’ unfair!_

Why did fate want to drop kick him back down to the first peg. Taako groans into his hands. He shouldn’t have followed Sazed. He shouldn’t have even hired Sazed. Sure the extra pair of hands was nice and it allowed him to focus more on the cooking part of his show, but he was handling everything just fine until Sazed showed up. Taako peeks up from his fingers and stares ahead.

A pair of mongoose eyes stare back. Taako blinks in surprise.

“Ouh hhoh,” _Oh hello._

* * *

 

_I’m gonna call you Hanry, like Harry and Henry combined,_ Taako muses as the mongoose waddles past him after scouring the area for any enemies. Apparently he gives off a whole nonthreatening vibe now. It just took one look at him and scurried past like a dutiful little soldier. 

Taako doesn’t know what he’s doing. 

After his whole introspective session he didn’t know what step 2 was. He found out that he can’t teleport endlessly. Apparently the cape had a once per day use. Taako teleported to the top of the tree to try to get a vantage point of where he is. That was a bad decision because as soon as he stopped clinging onto the top branches for dear life he immediately saw the cursed cylindrical form of Wonderland and promptly fell out of the tree. He lost his grip pretty quickly and tried to activate the cape again mid fall. Didn’t work.

He hit the ground pretty hard and didn’t feel like moving. He definitely lost a decent amount of health from that. He bet if he got up there would be a Taako shaped indent in the moss around him.

What to do, what to do…

Taako reaches into his pouch and pulls some dried fruit from his rations to munch on as he stares at the sky. He absentmindedly chews as he thinks about what step 2 should be. 

_I can try to use magic again._ A thought invades his lazy zen and makes him stop chewing for a second. He wants to dismiss the thought completely but it keeps coming back. Taako grabs for his wand which dropped to the ground next to him just within reach and holds it up at the sky.

He closes his eyes. He fills his lungs with air and then lets it out slowly through his nose. He cracks open his eyes, doubt mingling with anxiety in his chest as he forms the words _magic missile._

“Mmah-h Mhhh,” is what comes out. His wand doesn’t even spark. Taako grits his teeth and tries again, frustration mingling with his other emotions.

_Magic Missile._ Nothing.

_Magic Missile!_ Nothing again.

_Magic_ ** _Missile!_** Triple nothing.

Taako angrily growls, breathing in sharply to try again when a piece of the dried fruit that he was munching on frees itself from his cheek and whips into his throat.

“Mmah-h Mh-GH-!”

Taako’s eyes go wide and he quickly rights himself onto his hands and knees. He coughs harshly and pounds his chest. His eyes water and he hoarsely gasps for air, but it isn’t long until the fruit dislodges from his throat.

Taako breathes heavily and massages his throat. He swallows the food in his mouth and groans. God he was glad no one saw that-

A deep and chilling growl rumbles from the right of him. Taako’s head jerks up toward the sound and he stares into the forest. Three pairs of eyes stare back at him.

 

_Oh fuck, oh beans._

 

The chimera steps into the clearing and roars discordantly at him with all three heads. Its lion head stays low to the ground while the dragon head stays up and Taako can see strings of molten fire dripping from it’s mouth. The goat head is just there looking creepy as fuck.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck!_

Taako backs up slowly to the tree, stiff with fear. He holds his cape tightly willing it to work, but it doesn’t respond. In a panic Taako raises his wand and time seems to slow down as three distinct things happen.

The chimera pounces at him because of the sudden movement.

Taako throws his non-wand hand out in reaction. At the same time he did that he was instinctively channeling the magic needed for magic missile. His free hand was outstretched with the palm splayed as far as it could be. A few thin wisps of white magic that are unmistakably similar to magic missile twist through his fingers and fly to his wand. Before they can reach the wand they sputter out mid air, but that’s enough for Taako’s attention to switch focus completely. Did he just…?

The third thing that occurs is the furious brown shape darting out of the underbrush straight toward the monster.

Taako’s back collides with rough bark and that breaks him out of his shocked stupor. His gaze flies back over from his hands to the chimera to see it looking absolutely perplexed at something down in front of it. Taako looks down and almost laughs.

Hanry is screeching furiously at the chimera that is probably fifty times more massive than it’s little noodle body. The little mongoose keeps its belly low while it lunges forward and screams it’s displeasure at the gigantic predator on its territory. Taako feels a little giddy.

_Fuck yeah! Go Hanry!_

Taako yells happily and throws his hands in the air. The chimera’s dragon head growls and jerks up to him and Taako pales. The dragon head opens his mouth to spit fire when the mongoose has the fucking balls to leap up and bite at the dragon head. The said head looks downright perplexed at this tiny thing. The lion head tries to sneak a snap at Hanry but the mongoose isn’t having any of it, twisting it’s body out of range to screech back over.

Taako’s love for mongooses feels absolutely vindicated by this moment. He laughs at the dumb look on all three heads of this thing as it’s literally driven away by a small, angry, brown noodle of fuzz performing the most obnoxious war dance Taako has ever seen.

The chimera tries to have the final say in all this by roaring at the mongoose and Taako, but Hanry doesn’t let up for a second. It even leaps up and takes a bite at the lion’s neck and pulls out a decent amount of fur. The chimera sends one last glance at Taako before turning tail and running off.

And Hanry runs after it! Taako laughs even harder and he doesn’t even care that he sounds like a broken oboe. After a while Taako can just about see the mongoose stop to watch the monster run away and Hanry proceeds to do the most obnoxious war dance 2.0. Taako has to brace most of his weight against the tree to keep himself from falling down partially from the sheer ridiculousness that just happened and partially because he almost just died.

Taako wipes his eyes as Hanry comes scurrying back. It slows down as it comes to him and gives him a quick sniff over before hurrying back to the underbrush near the tree. Taako was about to shake his head when he got a bit curious. 

Carefully, he walks over to the thick bush a good few yards away where Hanry went and gets on his knees. At first he doesn’t see anything but as his eyes begin to adjust he sees Hanry on its side curled around two other brown wiggling shapes. 

_Aww look at those mini Hanry’s. That means you’re a girl huh… I’m still gonna call you Hanry,_ he grins. Well at least it made sense why it- she was so protective. Taako finds it awesome that she graciously extended her protective monster instincts to him. He sees her shift her weight enough so that she’s in pouncing mode and Taako realizes he should probably stop ogling the adorable mongoose pups.

He carefully gets back up. As he brushes himself off he sees the wand in his hand.

That fleeting moment of his magic being drawn comes back to him in a crash of realization. He holds up his wand and his hand, looking back and forth in confusion.

 

_Okay, apparently I’m still a magic boy?_

 

__

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now ain't that strange? 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is much shorter than the first, but things are gonna be picking up right after this. Imma try to update on Fridays and I don't know how long this fic is gonna go so :)
> 
> BTW I did draw the things and here's my tumblr --> http://chipper-smol.tumblr.com/ <\-- where you might find me drawing more things!

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! his is the first time i've uploaded a fic to AO3 and I haven't written a lengthy story in a while so I hope ya'll liked reading. I have a couple of plans for this fic and one of them you should know right off the bat that this is pretty much the lowest point Taako will ever be at. The rest of the chapters are gonna be of Taako dealing with his sudden disability and fucking rocking it as he climbs upward. 
> 
> theres a whooole bunch of shit thats gonna happen


End file.
